Picking up the threads

How does one go about picking up the threads of a life when each of those threads carries with it a heavy weight that is frightening? There are so many of those threads that picking them up all at once would break my back and perhaps snap some of them so that I can no longer handle them as I once did. I know I have to carry this weight, it's the weight of a normal life which would seem light to everyone but me, and I have carried this weight before without breaking completely, although I fractured somewhat.

I've taken some time to put down all of that weight and try to heal the cracks, now I have to pick everything up slowly and carefully to avoid undoing all of the healing, I don't want my life to crack again. I needed help to put that weight down, people to carry it for a little while to give me a chance to get better and learn my own self all over again, I think I still need help to shoulder all my responsibilities again slowly and with great care.

Even as I've begun to heal, tried to fix the cracks, that weight has been added to so that now, as I try to settle it on my shoulders once more, it is heavier than it has ever been. I think I am stronger than I was before, but I don't know if that new strength is enough to handle the new stresses and strains in my life.

I would like to pick up the old threads first, make sure I can still handle what I must, but some of the new weight is being dropped upon me and so I must try to stand beneath it and still somehow take back all those responsibilities without my legs giving out beneath me.

On top of this there are still changes to be made, decisions to be reached and a life to be lived, a life that is made different by recent upsets and developments, not all of them bad or good. I need to explore my own life, find out the lie of this new land, while still trying to do all of the things that I *must* do to ensure I am living that life, not just existing in it.

I need to learn my own self, the changed patterns of my life and those around me, all the while struggling and juggling so many threads and so much weight without tangling or dropping any of it. I never did learn to juggle properly.

Who wants to live forever?

I have made all my plans for the Great Plan of mine, my three week holiday where I try to turn my life around. I have made lists of just about everything, set myself daily goals, and no I just need to clamp down on the terror that I'll falter, that I won't be able to stick to this.

Even failing at one of my daily tasks will hit hard, so somehow I have to make sure I have the moral to do everything I'm supposed to do.

Trouble is I never have been very good at moral.