Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Picking up the threads

How does one go about picking up the threads of a life when each of those threads carries with it a heavy weight that is frightening? There are so many of those threads that picking them up all at once would break my back and perhaps snap some of them so that I can no longer handle them as I once did. I know I have to carry this weight, it's the weight of a normal life which would seem light to everyone but me, and I have carried this weight before without breaking completely, although I fractured somewhat.

I've taken some time to put down all of that weight and try to heal the cracks, now I have to pick everything up slowly and carefully to avoid undoing all of the healing, I don't want my life to crack again. I needed help to put that weight down, people to carry it for a little while to give me a chance to get better and learn my own self all over again, I think I still need help to shoulder all my responsibilities again slowly and with great care.

Even as I've begun to heal, tried to fix the cracks, that weight has been added to so that now, as I try to settle it on my shoulders once more, it is heavier than it has ever been. I think I am stronger than I was before, but I don't know if that new strength is enough to handle the new stresses and strains in my life.

I would like to pick up the old threads first, make sure I can still handle what I must, but some of the new weight is being dropped upon me and so I must try to stand beneath it and still somehow take back all those responsibilities without my legs giving out beneath me.

On top of this there are still changes to be made, decisions to be reached and a life to be lived, a life that is made different by recent upsets and developments, not all of them bad or good. I need to explore my own life, find out the lie of this new land, while still trying to do all of the things that I *must* do to ensure I am living that life, not just existing in it.

I need to learn my own self, the changed patterns of my life and those around me, all the while struggling and juggling so many threads and so much weight without tangling or dropping any of it. I never did learn to juggle properly.

Sunday, 3 October 2010

Who wants to live forever?

I have made all my plans for the Great Plan of mine, my three week holiday where I try to turn my life around. I have made lists of just about everything, set myself daily goals, and no I just need to clamp down on the terror that I'll falter, that I won't be able to stick to this.

Even failing at one of my daily tasks will hit hard, so somehow I have to make sure I have the moral to do everything I'm supposed to do.

Trouble is I never have been very good at moral.

Thursday, 30 September 2010

Do I have the strength to do this?

So, I'm about to take three weeks off work with the intention of turning my life around. Three weeks isn't long to try and lessen problems that have hung around for years, but it's all the time I have.

I must admit that this whole thing frightens me, although I do my best not to show it. I plan to schedule my days as strictly as possible in the hope that it'll stop me from dithering and losing what little momentum and enthusiasm I have. It will be hard, it will leave me exhausted, it will cause stress in the short term, but I hope it's for long term benefit.

My one fear is that I won't be able to stick to this, that my anxiety and depression will get the better of me and all my well laid plans will just fall apart. I want this to work, but then I've wanted to make changes like this for a long time and not much has happened. I am getting more support this time than I ever have before, but will that be enough if I can't keep myself from faltering?

I don't know if I can make this happen, but I do intend to try. I just hope that the little strength I have is enough to see this through.

Thursday, 23 September 2010

Monday, 30 August 2010

Family Values.

I have a very large family as far as blood is concerned. My Nan on my Dad's side has eight children, one of my uncles on that side has at least nine. On my Mum's side there is only one uncle, but he has a child as well, plus there's my Nan, Brother and Nephew, so it's a fair sized family.

Thing is, it feels like a small family. My Dad's family make most T.V. Soap families look calm, friendly and normal. There's a history of kids being sent to special schools, (for their behavioural issues), I'm not sure how many of my uncles committed GBH or ABH, but I'm sure it was most of them. There's also mild drug use, (cannabis), and racism. One of my uncles was proud of his seven year old son when he got put on report at school for beating up a Pakistani child just because of his race. The only one I cared about on that side was my Granddad, who wasn't even related to me by blood. My Dad wasn't his child. Granddad died some years ago, which left me with nothing to tie me to my Dad's side of the family.

My parents split when I was about 14 and I stayed with my Dad, not out of choice but my Mum was moving in with her Mum, and there was simply no room for me. I was stuck with my Dad whom I loved, so I didn't have the slightest idea what was in store for me. He introduced me to the woman who was to become my not-quite-stepmother, (they never married), the very night my Mother left. From then on he was a different man. He quickly moved us in with her, which meant me leaving the only home I could remember. She has two children, both older than me, her son was a drug addict who slowly took most of my possessions. For a while one of my Dad's other children, my half-brother, came to live with us and did the same damn thing!

My Dad himself moved to Spain with my Stepmother some time ago, leaving me to support myself while in collage. I failed, meaning I had to leave collage in order to keep a roof over my head. That combined with my Dad's drugs habit, (cannabis), his uncaring behaviour, (he once tried to steal something left to me by a much-loved Aunt), and the fact he pretty much ignored my step-brother and half-brother stealing most of my belongings, leaves me not very fond of him at all. He's back in the country, in fact he's recently found my Mum on Facebook, but frankly I couldn't care less. I don't intend to let him back into my life after he's caused some of the darkest times I've suffered.

My uncle on my Mum's side hasn't seen me in years, he only visits his own mother every few years or so. I wouldn't know him or his son if I walked right into them.

So my family consists of my Mum, who now lives locally on her own, my Brother and Nephew, who live a couple of hours drive away, and my Nan who is now in a home with Alzheimer's and doesn't even know who I am. It suddenly feels like a small world. The one I'm closest to is my Mum, we talk on the 'phone almost every day, see each other every few weeks and go to visit Nan together. She's the one who helped pay my rent when I couldn't afford it, she's supported me through several bad relationships and multiple occasions of moving house, plus hundreds of other times she's been there for me.

In short, I have a smaller family than I ever realised. My Nan doesn't recognise me any more, my Brother lives too far away for regular visits so I hardly know him, my Dad is someone I don't want around. My family consists of one: my Mum.

From a family of many I have suddenly found myself with just one. Okay, that one person more than makes up for the nightmare of the rest, but it was still a bit of a shock when I realised.

Monday, 2 August 2010

Meandering thoughts...

I had an interesting thought cross my mind. So, I went to look up the definitions of a couple of words.

Transvestite : a person, typically a man, who derives pleasure from dressing in clothes appropriate to the opposite sex

Cross-dress: wear clothing typical of the opposite sex.

My wardrobe is full of men's t-shirts, men's formal shirts, men's jeans, even men's socks! I enjoy wearing men's clothing because I prefer the style and the fit, so much more comfortable than women's clothes. I often buy men's shoes because I don't want something with pink or white on it. Recently I acquired men's socks because I wanted nice, bright colours, something that's not in fashion for women's socks at the moment. I wear men's jeans because I like the fit, women's are too tight around the leg for me and often the material is thinner and often doesn't last as long. I'm also not the most feminine of people, I've always been something of a tomboy which means I tend to dislike clothing with frills and feminine curves. Just about the only feminine thing I wear is my underwear, it's hard to get masculine bras. *Grin* . So apparently I fit both of these words.

I both dress and act in ways appropriate to the opposite sex.

It seems I've been a Transvestite for years! ;-p

Monday, 19 July 2010

Mightily Miffed.

Okay, so I have this wonderful new toy, my Dell Streak with Google Android, and I love the thing to bits. There's just one teeny problem...

I tried to buy an app, a game as it happens, and the download failed. Okay, it happens sometimes, try again. Failed. Deep breath, okay, look online to see if there's a quick fix.

And so the bombshell hit. Hundreds of people on the Android Help Forums have been having the same problem. Some haven't been able to download anything in weeks, despite that they still get charged for the app they are trying to buy. Google moderate the forums and they have done... nothing. There were a couple of posts from over two months ago asking for further details on the problem, and asking if any other customers were having trouble.

Great, so I thought I'd e-mail Google. Nope, no such thing as an e-mail address for either Android Market or Google as a whole. No contact details at all. Eventually I called O2 in the desperate hope they could help, and they were able to give me a contact number for Google.

I called this morning and unless you know the exact extension number of the person you want to call, you get redirected back to their websites where there are loads of forums but no actual way of talking to Google themselves. After some digging I found a London address, nothing more.

So, if I want to kick Google into fixing this problem affecting so many people, do I really have to write an old fashioned pen-and-paper letter? To a company specialising in computer programmes among other things? Will they even read the damn thing?

*Head desk*