I've taken some time to put down all of that weight and try to heal the cracks, now I have to pick everything up slowly and carefully to avoid undoing all of the healing, I don't want my life to crack again. I needed help to put that weight down, people to carry it for a little while to give me a chance to get better and learn my own self all over again, I think I still need help to shoulder all my responsibilities again slowly and with great care.
Even as I've begun to heal, tried to fix the cracks, that weight has been added to so that now, as I try to settle it on my shoulders once more, it is heavier than it has ever been. I think I am stronger than I was before, but I don't know if that new strength is enough to handle the new stresses and strains in my life.
I would like to pick up the old threads first, make sure I can still handle what I must, but some of the new weight is being dropped upon me and so I must try to stand beneath it and still somehow take back all those responsibilities without my legs giving out beneath me.
On top of this there are still changes to be made, decisions to be reached and a life to be lived, a life that is made different by recent upsets and developments, not all of them bad or good. I need to explore my own life, find out the lie of this new land, while still trying to do all of the things that I *must* do to ensure I am living that life, not just existing in it.
I need to learn my own self, the changed patterns of my life and those around me, all the while struggling and juggling so many threads and so much weight without tangling or dropping any of it. I never did learn to juggle properly.